How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims

 Translator: Fatima Zahra El Hafa Auditor: muhammad Samir I didn't plan to be a parenting expert. In fact, I am not much interested in parenting, per se. There is only a certain breeding pattern these days Children spoil somewhat, It hinders their chances of developing into themselves. There is a certain breeding pattern these days Get in the way. What I want to say is, We spend so much time worrying too much About parents who are not involved enough in their children's lives Educating or raising them, And we are right. But on the flip side of it, There's a lot of harm happening too, When the parents feel that the child cannot succeed Except under the constant protection and interference of the father or the mother And advance planning for any event, and the conduct of every moment, And directing the child towards a small quality of universities and professions.

When we raise children this way, And I say "we", Because God knows, that while raising my teenage boys, I also had these tendencies, Our children end up having a defined and drawn childhood. And this is what this childhood looks like. We keep them safe and secure, And we provide them with food and drink, Then we want to make sure that they go to the appropriate schools, Appropriate classes in appropriate schools, And that they will get the appropriate grades in the appropriate grades in the appropriate schools.

But not just grades and grades, Honors and awards too Sports, activities and leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club. They even set up a new club, because universities want to see that. They ticked the box for community service. Show the universities that you care about others. (Laughter) And all this is done with the hope of reaching a degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a certain level of perfection We ourselves could not reach it, And because the demands are many, We think, That, of course, as parents, we should argue with every teacher Director, coach and referee We act like a janitor for our child A personal sponsor And a secretary.

And also with our children, our precious children, We spend a lot of time cheering them on, Flattering, advising and helping them, bargaining with them, and harassing them if necessary, To make sure they don't spoil it, They will not close the doors, And they will not destroy their future, Hopefully accepted To go to a certain type of university Which rejects nearly all candidates. This is what any child in this drawn childhood feels. First and foremost, there is no time to play. There is no emptiness in the afternoon, Because we believe everything should be enriching. As if every homework, every contest, every activity It is a decisive decision moment for this future that we envision for them.

We exempt them from helping with housework, We even prevent them from getting enough sleep As long as they're in the process of getting things done on their list. And during this drawn childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, But when they come home from school, The first thing we often ask about It is their duties and grades. And they see on our faces That our approval, that our love, That their value in itself, Coupled with their 'Excellent' score. Then we walk alongside them And peck like a chicken, like a trainer on a dog show - (Laughter) Trying to convince them to jump a little higher and fly a little further, Day after day. And when they reach high school, They don't ask, Well, what field would I want to study? Or the activity that I want to do? '' They go to the advisors and say: "What do I need to do to go to the right university?" And then, when the grades start to drop in high school, And they get a grade of "very good", Or the degree of "good", God forbid, They text their friends and ask: "Has someone ever been able to go to the appropriate university with grades like these?" And our children, No matter where they go after high school, They have consumed their breath completely.

They become fragile And exhaustion. And grow up prematurely, Wishing that the adults in their lives said, What you have done is enough, The effort you put into during your childhood is enough. " And they are now ravaged by high rates of anxiety and depression And some of them ask Whether this life is worth it. We, the parents, We parents are pretty sure it's worth it.

We are acting - As if we literally think they have no future If they did not go to one of those universities or professions That we want them. Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid Of not having a future we can brag about In front of our friends and in stickers on our cars. Yeah. (clap) But if you look at what we did, If you really have the courage to look into it, You will see that our children do not just believe that their value is linked In degrees and grades, But we are when we actually live inside their dear minds that are in development All the while, like our own version of "Being John Malkovich." We send this message to our children: "Boy, I don't think you can really achieve any of this without me." It is through our exaggerated help And our extra protection and our overdirection and taking us into their hands, We deny our children the opportunity to build self-efficacy, Which is the basic principle of the human psyche, Much more important than the self-esteem that they gain The more we praise them.

Self-efficacy is built when a person sees that his actions lead to results. Not - Exactly like this. (clap) Not the actions of one's parents on their behalf. But when one's own actions lead to results. So simply, For our children to acquire self-efficacy, and they must, They have to do a lot of thinking, planning and decision making And work, hope, confrontation, trial and error, A dream and a test of life By themselves.

Now, does this mean All children are hard-working and enthusiastic None of them need parental involvement or attention in their lives. And that we should withdraw and leave them alone? . of course not! (Laughter) This is not what I am saying. What I'm saying is, when we're dealing with ranks, ranks, honors, and awards As the goal of childhood, In order to promote hopeful admission to a very small number of universities Or get a few jobs, This is a narrowing of the concept of success for our children. Although, we may help them achieve some short-term gains Via exaggerated help - Like they get a better grade if we help them with homework, And having a longer CV of their childhood when we help them - What I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost To visualize themselves. We must be less anxious About the specific group of universities To which they can apply And more anxious about whether they possess habits, mindset, and skills. And wellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I'm saying is, Our kids need us to be less obsessed with ranks and degrees And more interested By providing a childhood that is the basis of their success It is based on things like love And housework.

(Laughter) (clap) Did you just say housework? Did you say that? Yeah. But here's why. The longest continuous study ever conducted in humans The study is called "Harvard Grant." I found that professional success in life, Which is what we want for our children, That professional success in life is linked to accomplishing household chores during childhood, The sooner the better, That the mentality of initiative and participation, And the thinking that says: There are some unpleasant actions, Someone has to get it done, why can't I be that person? Thinking that says: I will present my efforts for the public benefit, This is what makes you excel in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this. (clap) We all know this, but during that drawn childhood, We exempt our children from doing housework, And when they reach the stage of work as youth Still waiting for a to-do list, But it does not exist Most importantly, they lack motivation and instinct For initiative and participation And look around and ask: How can I help my colleagues? How can I anticipate what my manager might need in advance? And the second very important finding of the Harvard Grant study.

He says that happiness is in life Come from love, Not love work, It is the love of people: Our spouses, partners, friends and family. So childhood should teach our children how to love, They cannot love others if they do not love themselves first. And they will not love themselves if we cannot offer them unconditional love. (clap) Completely. And so on, Rather than being obsessed with ranks and grades When our dear children come home from school, Or we come from work, We need to move away from technology, and leave our phones And to look into their eyes And let them see the joy that fills our faces When we see our baby for the first time a few hours later.

Then we must ask them: "how was your day? What did you like today? '' And when your teenage daughter says "lunch", as my daughter did, And I want to know the result of a math test, No lunch, You must show an interest in food. And she says, "What's great about lunch today?" They need to know that they are important to us as human beings, And not because of their rates. Well, you think: homework and love, That sounds good, but let's get real. Universities want to see high results and grades And awards and awards, which is kind of true.

Big schools demand this of our youth, But here's the good news. Contrary to what university rankings promote - (clap) You don't have to go to a big school To be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to government schools, And little unknown colleges, They went to community colleges, They went to a university and failed it. (clap) The evidence for that is in this room, in our societies, However, this is the truth. And if we can expand our vision And we are ready to take other universities into consideration. And we let our ego out of the equation, We can accept and accept this truth and then realize, That this is not the end of the world If our children did not go to one of those big schools.

and, most importantly, If they didn't live their childhood according to a tyrannical to-do list When they go to university, whatever it is, They will go to it of their own free will, Supported by their will, Qualified and ready to thrive there. I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids like you mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They are two teenagers. And at some point, I guess I was kind of treating them As bonsai trees - (Laughter) I intended to carefully cut and trim them And shaped into an ideal human being Perfect enough to go in One of the most selective universities.

But I realized, after I've worked with thousands of kids - (Laughter) And raising my son and daughter, My children are not bonsai trees. It's wildflowers Of unknown gender and gender - (Laughter) And my job is to provide a nutritious environment. To strengthen them through housework And love them so that they love others and receive love University, major and profession, That is up to them. My job is not to make them as I want them to, Rather, support them so that they become great at themselves.

Thanks. (clap).